SPG - Single Picky Girl
My god-ma just lend me an interesting book - SPG by Janice Wong. Maybe some of you would have heard and read that book coz it was published in 2005. Anyway, Janice Wong was a journalist with Streats and The Straits Times who writes with the courage of her conviction, in a style that is simple, clear and engaging. I find her collection of columns in this book very meaningful, and decided to share with my readers 1 article of her each day.
Don't Measure Love
"Make sure you marry someone who loves you more than you love him", my newly divorced male friend said as I surveyed the sushi conveyor belt.
He spoke in that kind of superior tone people use when they think they are wiser. His advice is as fresh as the unpalatable salmon sashimi that was doing its rounds.
And I have heard the same advice from my mother countless times.
This is how it works: Your husband worships the ground you walk on. You are only mildly fond of him. He wants you more, so he tries harder.
He wouldn't stray. He wouldn't let you down. He'd forgive you for exceeding his credit card limit and make you piping hot tea on cold rainy nights, instead of the other way round.
You win. Bingo!
Fine, except why would I want to marry someone I don't love with my complete heart and soul?
I can brew my own Earl Grey, thank you very much.
It saddens me to hear people speak of marriage like a meal ticket, an emotional crutch or an inevitability independent of love.
I observe that these people are rarely happy. Happiness has a way of eluding you when you try to manipulate your relationship strategically and defend your vulnerabilities constantly.
I want to spend my life with someone I care deeply about, someone who is capable of plunging me into the depth of misery, driving me up the wall and flying me into the dizzying heights of passion.
My idealism disturbed my friend.
I would likely to be hurt, exploited and taken advantage of by men, he warned. He was not swayed by my rhapsodising.
He added with a trace of bitterness: "If he's everything and he leaves you, you will lose everything."
So be it, I replied, sublimely scooping wasabi.
He shook his head.
In the first place, how do we measure and compare love?
Perhaps because I am a Scorpio, love by my definition is 100 per cent and complete. How wet is water?
I once had a mental love-o-meter.
The number of times he called me versus the number of times I called him. The distance he drove to pick me versus the distance I drove to pick him up. The value of jewellery he gave me versus the value of the computer gadgets I got him.
When the disparity was too stark, I panicked.
Then one day, "Forget it, Janice," I told myself. The score is meaningless because love is not quantifiable. This is a relationship, not a balance sheet. In the long run, life evens things out. Besides, no matter how we try to hedge our emotional investments, there are no capital guarantees.
People can change; love can die. But I like to think that love is morelikely to die on those who sit back and expect the partner to make the sacrifices, and on those who quibble over who takes more and gives less.
Don't Measure Love
"Make sure you marry someone who loves you more than you love him", my newly divorced male friend said as I surveyed the sushi conveyor belt.
He spoke in that kind of superior tone people use when they think they are wiser. His advice is as fresh as the unpalatable salmon sashimi that was doing its rounds.
And I have heard the same advice from my mother countless times.
This is how it works: Your husband worships the ground you walk on. You are only mildly fond of him. He wants you more, so he tries harder.
He wouldn't stray. He wouldn't let you down. He'd forgive you for exceeding his credit card limit and make you piping hot tea on cold rainy nights, instead of the other way round.
You win. Bingo!
Fine, except why would I want to marry someone I don't love with my complete heart and soul?
I can brew my own Earl Grey, thank you very much.
It saddens me to hear people speak of marriage like a meal ticket, an emotional crutch or an inevitability independent of love.
I observe that these people are rarely happy. Happiness has a way of eluding you when you try to manipulate your relationship strategically and defend your vulnerabilities constantly.
I want to spend my life with someone I care deeply about, someone who is capable of plunging me into the depth of misery, driving me up the wall and flying me into the dizzying heights of passion.
My idealism disturbed my friend.
I would likely to be hurt, exploited and taken advantage of by men, he warned. He was not swayed by my rhapsodising.
He added with a trace of bitterness: "If he's everything and he leaves you, you will lose everything."
So be it, I replied, sublimely scooping wasabi.
He shook his head.
In the first place, how do we measure and compare love?
Perhaps because I am a Scorpio, love by my definition is 100 per cent and complete. How wet is water?
I once had a mental love-o-meter.
The number of times he called me versus the number of times I called him. The distance he drove to pick me versus the distance I drove to pick him up. The value of jewellery he gave me versus the value of the computer gadgets I got him.
When the disparity was too stark, I panicked.
Then one day, "Forget it, Janice," I told myself. The score is meaningless because love is not quantifiable. This is a relationship, not a balance sheet. In the long run, life evens things out. Besides, no matter how we try to hedge our emotional investments, there are no capital guarantees.
People can change; love can die. But I like to think that love is morelikely to die on those who sit back and expect the partner to make the sacrifices, and on those who quibble over who takes more and gives less.
Jun 8, 2004
Streats
unpalatable: unpleasant to the taste
inevitability: necessary
eluding: avoiding; escaping
manipulate: to handle, manage, or use, esp in an unfair manner
rhapsodising: say something with great lively interest
sublimely: in a arrogant manner
disparity: inequality
stark: strong
quibble: an argument of irrelevant objections
Comments
-qi
-lyn