Friends are not like hotels...
2nd article from Janice Wong's book - SPG: Single Picky Girl
She used to be my classmate. We shared the same hobbies, borrowed each other's lecture notes and had long telephone conversations.
All that changed when she had a boyfriend. She would cancel our appointments whenever he asked her out.
The first time it happened, I shrugged it off and even squealed in excitement for her. The second time it happened, I was annoyed but only remarked casually that I seemed to be on her B-list of friends. The third time it happened, I swore never to ask her out again.
She did not make amends. I guess the growing distance between friends can't be felt when one seems joined at the hip with one's partner and have him as a companion for all of one's activities.
Then, they broke up. She called me in tears at midnight and I consoled her. All was forgiven. It felt good to put aside petty misgivings and stand steadfastly by a friend in times of adversity. Isn't that what friends are for?
Our friendship resumed. But when she found another man, suddenly, her weekends were reserved again. Whenever I called her, she sounded preoccupied and anxious to get off the phone. Later, she became completely incommunicado.
A year later, I got a call from her; she was distraught. She told me her boyfriend had dumped her and asked that we meet. I declined and ignored her subsequent calls.
I did not say what I was thinking: "My friendship is not a hotel. You don't walk in and out, as and when you wish."
No matter how head over heels in love I may be -- and no matter how a man's charm may make my hormones rage -- it never gets to the point where he takes priority over my close friends.
It's a no-brainer. My friends have proven their mettle and stuck with me through thick and thin, while he has merely entered the picture with goodness-knows-what intentions.
Even if I were married, being with my husband would still not override time spent with my close friends. I know of people who stop seeing certain friends or resort to seeing them on the sly just because their spouses do not approve of them doing so.
A spouse will never be able to support one's emotional needs entirely and he or she has to understand that some of these needs will have to be met outside, by friends.
Friendship brings other problems. As my social circle widens, I find it increasingly difficult to discern who my real friends and fair weather ones are.
I often feel I am invited to parties and sought after as a friend for no other reason than that I am a journalist and can, hopefully, be a means to free publicity.
The more people I know, the lonelier I feel. I am a sentimental soul who prefers the comfort of old friendships which hark back to a time when I was simply Janice, minus the fancy title and trappings.
This is why I am not entirely sure that I did the right thing by quitting that friendship. Was I too demanding? Should I have given her a second chance?
After all, we really got along and it was not like she committed something treacherous like cheating me of my money, betraying a secret of stealing my boyfriend.
Still, I have had enough of being taken for granted. Being single and available does not mean my time is any less valuable than hers.
When it is consistently a case of one person giving and the other person taking, it is time to take stock of the friendship and, perhaps, call it quits.
Like courtship -- or even more so --friendship requires time, effort and reciprocity. While other parties can demand commitment of each other directly, the expectations in a friendship are usually implicit, subtle and unsaid, and as a result, more prone to neglect.
You may love your friends very much, but if they don't hear from you for an extended period of time, it's only human nature that they wonder just how much you really care about them.
As the late civil rights leader Martin Luther King Kr said: "In the end, we remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."
Don't misunderstand me. Couples who are newly in love are naturally consumed by each other to the exclusion of everything -- and everyone -- else. I don't begrudge that. I certainly didn't expect my friend to pay as much attention to me as she did when she was single.
I also accept that when life exerts its pressures and one's career picks up pace, some friendships fade away. I would be happy to rekindle such friendships. What I bristle at is being relegated to a nobody when romance calls and then being treated like some sort of stop-gap measure when it ends.
So let's take some time out this week to have a drink with a dear old friend, say "How are you?" and be sincerely interested in finding out.
I have never been so busy or so popular to the extent that I have no time for an old friend.
Nor, I pray, will I ever be so.
She used to be my classmate. We shared the same hobbies, borrowed each other's lecture notes and had long telephone conversations.
All that changed when she had a boyfriend. She would cancel our appointments whenever he asked her out.
The first time it happened, I shrugged it off and even squealed in excitement for her. The second time it happened, I was annoyed but only remarked casually that I seemed to be on her B-list of friends. The third time it happened, I swore never to ask her out again.
She did not make amends. I guess the growing distance between friends can't be felt when one seems joined at the hip with one's partner and have him as a companion for all of one's activities.
Then, they broke up. She called me in tears at midnight and I consoled her. All was forgiven. It felt good to put aside petty misgivings and stand steadfastly by a friend in times of adversity. Isn't that what friends are for?
Our friendship resumed. But when she found another man, suddenly, her weekends were reserved again. Whenever I called her, she sounded preoccupied and anxious to get off the phone. Later, she became completely incommunicado.
A year later, I got a call from her; she was distraught. She told me her boyfriend had dumped her and asked that we meet. I declined and ignored her subsequent calls.
I did not say what I was thinking: "My friendship is not a hotel. You don't walk in and out, as and when you wish."
No matter how head over heels in love I may be -- and no matter how a man's charm may make my hormones rage -- it never gets to the point where he takes priority over my close friends.
It's a no-brainer. My friends have proven their mettle and stuck with me through thick and thin, while he has merely entered the picture with goodness-knows-what intentions.
Even if I were married, being with my husband would still not override time spent with my close friends. I know of people who stop seeing certain friends or resort to seeing them on the sly just because their spouses do not approve of them doing so.
A spouse will never be able to support one's emotional needs entirely and he or she has to understand that some of these needs will have to be met outside, by friends.
Friendship brings other problems. As my social circle widens, I find it increasingly difficult to discern who my real friends and fair weather ones are.
I often feel I am invited to parties and sought after as a friend for no other reason than that I am a journalist and can, hopefully, be a means to free publicity.
The more people I know, the lonelier I feel. I am a sentimental soul who prefers the comfort of old friendships which hark back to a time when I was simply Janice, minus the fancy title and trappings.
This is why I am not entirely sure that I did the right thing by quitting that friendship. Was I too demanding? Should I have given her a second chance?
After all, we really got along and it was not like she committed something treacherous like cheating me of my money, betraying a secret of stealing my boyfriend.
Still, I have had enough of being taken for granted. Being single and available does not mean my time is any less valuable than hers.
When it is consistently a case of one person giving and the other person taking, it is time to take stock of the friendship and, perhaps, call it quits.
Like courtship -- or even more so --friendship requires time, effort and reciprocity. While other parties can demand commitment of each other directly, the expectations in a friendship are usually implicit, subtle and unsaid, and as a result, more prone to neglect.
You may love your friends very much, but if they don't hear from you for an extended period of time, it's only human nature that they wonder just how much you really care about them.
As the late civil rights leader Martin Luther King Kr said: "In the end, we remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."
Don't misunderstand me. Couples who are newly in love are naturally consumed by each other to the exclusion of everything -- and everyone -- else. I don't begrudge that. I certainly didn't expect my friend to pay as much attention to me as she did when she was single.
I also accept that when life exerts its pressures and one's career picks up pace, some friendships fade away. I would be happy to rekindle such friendships. What I bristle at is being relegated to a nobody when romance calls and then being treated like some sort of stop-gap measure when it ends.
So let's take some time out this week to have a drink with a dear old friend, say "How are you?" and be sincerely interested in finding out.
I have never been so busy or so popular to the extent that I have no time for an old friend.
Nor, I pray, will I ever be so.
Mar 14, 2005
The Straits Times
*So, who should I call first...?*
New words learnt today:
adversity: misfortune
distraught: distracted; deeply agitated.
mettle: courage; possess mental and emotional strength in facing difficulty
on the sly: secretly
hark: to return to a previous subject or point
treacherous: betray trust; traitorous
reciprocity: mutual exchange
implicit: not expressed openly
subtle: So slight as to be difficult to detect or describe
begrudge: to envy or resent the pleasure or good fortune of (someone)
bristle: to become firm with anger or irritation
relegated: to send to a lower position, place, or condition
Comments
this book seems pretty interesting!!
reflecting on most day to day issues