!@#$%^&*()
WARNING : The title said it all, this is gona be a VERY negative & random entry!
Exit NOW if you must!
I always believe I'm the SUNSHINE in almost all the cliques I'm in, so I make a silent promise to myself nt to write sad entries in my blog (except for the sad stories or songs I composed) as I wld influence my readers in a negative way.
However, if I don't blog this down, I've nowhere to vent it out. Pardon me, my dear readers. I promised to get better after finishing this entry. =)
But these few days, I'm unhappy. It's an understatement, but I can't find a more suitable word yet. If you didn't managed to sense it even when u're seeing me e'day, that's b'coz Star Awards are coming & I was hoping I can get the Best Male Lead award.
Long time ago, an online stranger msg me thru a social networking website, "Hey! I click on ur profile to check u out coz u have very kind eyes!"
haha =P I was flattered of coz & I can sense that the person was not just trying to get my attention or it's just happened 2b 1 of her pick up line. (mb u wld say I choose to live in self denial or watever, I dun give a damn)
Sad to say, I don't dare to look into my own eyes in the mirror's reflection these few days. Coz in them, I see HATE, ANGER, FEAR, UNCERTAINTY, UNKIND(EVIL) & every other negative feelings you can associate with.
Alot of things are happening ard me & to me. I can't seem to take the weight of them all anymore.
Some ignorant youngsters pissed me off BIG time in the past. Yes, I forgive BUT I nv forget. Alot of ppl wld say juz let it go. But it's easier said than done. To make things worse, they're still pissing me NOW & maybe still awhile more to go. *ARGH*
I'm born pretty much a loner. It took me years to walk out of it. However, at times, I back off from the society to return to my comfort zone. I have many grps of very good friends & supportive family members. But, being born a loner, sometimes I just wana keep something to myself. Leave me alone if need be.
Then 2 more lessons & I'm done for this sem. BUT it means exams are coming. I noe I can do it, just like every other exams I've been thru. Nt that I think I'm smart, but I have my exams luck & I put in lots of effort in revising. Yet there are still stress that I can't run away from.
I'm nt used to hiding things from a person who's v.close to me. We even talked abt sex. Of coz nt b/w me & this person, but rather I got knowledge from this person. This person noes almost 99% of my stuff. My gfs, my likes, dislikes, habits, characters, anything u can name under the sun. However, I'm keeping 1 of the biggest secret & not knowing how to find the best time, place & conveying it in a best way to this person. That's wat making me very vexed.
I was alrd v.sensitive. These few days, it got worse. Every little sentence said by anyone can make me feel that they're getting at me personally. (针对我而来。) When I heard wat they said, I got VERY AFFECTED & felt anger/sadness in my heart. But like I said, I'm hoping to get the Best Male Lead award, so I hid it well.
Grade A friend has commented my temper is pretty bad recently. Yes, I've got to agree on that. I tried to control but they just come as & when they like. Alot of close family members & friends noe my ears turn red when I'm shy. But only afew like Qiqi (my sis) noes my ears turn equally red when I'm boiling MAD. (Coz hers wld too when she's angry.) These hot ears are BURNING me like hell.
I feel like a prisoner being watched by CCTV on my every move. Worse! Coz CCTV can't record voice, even wat I said is being MONITORED. I'm generally NICE to alot of ppl ard me. So I'm very much nicer to my family & friends. Not mentioning especially nice to a special grp of ppl. But I'm not being able to do or say things to ppl I want to. Coz I get lots of cat calls & nasty comments whenever I do so. This is slowing killing me inside.
If I would KILL anyone to make my life better now, I have more than ONE person I wana kill. That's y I said my eyes are evil now. I dun even kill a spider b4 all these roller coasters of emotions. But rest assured I won't kill coz I dun wana spend the rest of my life in jail or worse getting a death sentence.
Lucky for me, I still have BIG plantations, COSY kampung hse with FRESH air, chirping sound of birds to return to in Batu Pahat. I'm so glad I'm getting my therapy this wkend! May I regain my piece of mind, body & soul after this trip back.
It's just SO NOT Ivan to be feeling this way at all. I'm so HATING myself now!
Exit NOW if you must!
I always believe I'm the SUNSHINE in almost all the cliques I'm in, so I make a silent promise to myself nt to write sad entries in my blog (except for the sad stories or songs I composed) as I wld influence my readers in a negative way.
However, if I don't blog this down, I've nowhere to vent it out. Pardon me, my dear readers. I promised to get better after finishing this entry. =)
But these few days, I'm unhappy. It's an understatement, but I can't find a more suitable word yet. If you didn't managed to sense it even when u're seeing me e'day, that's b'coz Star Awards are coming & I was hoping I can get the Best Male Lead award.
Long time ago, an online stranger msg me thru a social networking website, "Hey! I click on ur profile to check u out coz u have very kind eyes!"
haha =P I was flattered of coz & I can sense that the person was not just trying to get my attention or it's just happened 2b 1 of her pick up line. (mb u wld say I choose to live in self denial or watever, I dun give a damn)
Sad to say, I don't dare to look into my own eyes in the mirror's reflection these few days. Coz in them, I see HATE, ANGER, FEAR, UNCERTAINTY, UNKIND(EVIL) & every other negative feelings you can associate with.
Alot of things are happening ard me & to me. I can't seem to take the weight of them all anymore.
Some ignorant youngsters pissed me off BIG time in the past. Yes, I forgive BUT I nv forget. Alot of ppl wld say juz let it go. But it's easier said than done. To make things worse, they're still pissing me NOW & maybe still awhile more to go. *ARGH*
I'm born pretty much a loner. It took me years to walk out of it. However, at times, I back off from the society to return to my comfort zone. I have many grps of very good friends & supportive family members. But, being born a loner, sometimes I just wana keep something to myself. Leave me alone if need be.
Then 2 more lessons & I'm done for this sem. BUT it means exams are coming. I noe I can do it, just like every other exams I've been thru. Nt that I think I'm smart, but I have my exams luck & I put in lots of effort in revising. Yet there are still stress that I can't run away from.
I'm nt used to hiding things from a person who's v.close to me. We even talked abt sex. Of coz nt b/w me & this person, but rather I got knowledge from this person. This person noes almost 99% of my stuff. My gfs, my likes, dislikes, habits, characters, anything u can name under the sun. However, I'm keeping 1 of the biggest secret & not knowing how to find the best time, place & conveying it in a best way to this person. That's wat making me very vexed.
I was alrd v.sensitive. These few days, it got worse. Every little sentence said by anyone can make me feel that they're getting at me personally. (针对我而来。) When I heard wat they said, I got VERY AFFECTED & felt anger/sadness in my heart. But like I said, I'm hoping to get the Best Male Lead award, so I hid it well.
Grade A friend has commented my temper is pretty bad recently. Yes, I've got to agree on that. I tried to control but they just come as & when they like. Alot of close family members & friends noe my ears turn red when I'm shy. But only afew like Qiqi (my sis) noes my ears turn equally red when I'm boiling MAD. (Coz hers wld too when she's angry.) These hot ears are BURNING me like hell.
I feel like a prisoner being watched by CCTV on my every move. Worse! Coz CCTV can't record voice, even wat I said is being MONITORED. I'm generally NICE to alot of ppl ard me. So I'm very much nicer to my family & friends. Not mentioning especially nice to a special grp of ppl. But I'm not being able to do or say things to ppl I want to. Coz I get lots of cat calls & nasty comments whenever I do so. This is slowing killing me inside.
If I would KILL anyone to make my life better now, I have more than ONE person I wana kill. That's y I said my eyes are evil now. I dun even kill a spider b4 all these roller coasters of emotions. But rest assured I won't kill coz I dun wana spend the rest of my life in jail or worse getting a death sentence.
Lucky for me, I still have BIG plantations, COSY kampung hse with FRESH air, chirping sound of birds to return to in Batu Pahat. I'm so glad I'm getting my therapy this wkend! May I regain my piece of mind, body & soul after this trip back.
It's just SO NOT Ivan to be feeling this way at all. I'm so HATING myself now!
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