誰為陽光充電？Who recharges the sun?

 

在這個世界上，很多事我們習以為常。但如果仔細思考，這些標準到底是誰定下的？

結束一段感情後，釋懷需要多長時間？面對所愛的離世，消沉多久才算合理？對一個人的思念，應該持續到什麼時候才停止？男孩不能哭、男人要堅強——這些說法真的是對的嗎？傷心的時間真的只跟一段感情的長短有關嗎？

在這裡，我想對所有我曾經說過“時間會沖淡一切”的人道歉。因為我現在明白，時間並不能沖淡任何事，所有經歷都會在生命裡留下痕跡，它們不會消失。

寫下這篇公開的心情日記，我的目的很簡單——給自己一個宣洩的空間，同時也讓關心我的家人朋友了解我沒說出口的感受。也許你會覺得有些娛樂性，或許有經歷過相似事情的人能找到共鳴與安慰，知道自己不是孤單的。最重要的是，我希望我的天使——那位在天堂的她，能收到我的思念。

2024年6月8日，我這一生中最愛的女人，我的初戀，永遠地離開了這個世界。當噩耗傳來，我無法相信這是現實。我知道自己無法一個人面對，所以找了多年的好哥們陪我一起去參加悼念。兄弟，謝謝你臨時改變計劃，推遲了與家人的晚餐，陪著我送她最後一程。

接下來的幾天，我風雨無阻地在下班後趕往悼念現場，只為陪她走完人生最後的路。出殯那天，天空下著傾盆大雨，但這雨怎麼也洗不掉我心中的悲傷。看著棺木被推進火化爐，所有人都崩潰了。

家人和朋友給予了我很多慰問，不時關心我的情況，並說著安慰的話。有人說，“時間會沖淡一切。”還有人說，“不要難過太久，她不希望看到你這樣，有事隨時找我們。”

我知道這些話語都是出於善意，但當下真的很刺耳。我沒力氣去反駁，但我依然感激他們的關心和鼓勵。

這114天裡，我過得不好，一點都不好。最難受的是，那種想哭卻哭不出來的悲傷。我依然喜歡工作，見到孩子們我也會感到快樂。和家人、朋友聚會，我也真心享受大家的陪伴。但我更喜歡獨處，因為那時候我可以卸下所有防備，讓自己徹底沉浸在悲傷裡。

自從與初戀結束後，我交過兩位女友，也喜歡過幾位女生。但面對初戀的離世，我終於明白了：“這一生，除了你，我的心再也容不下其他人。因為你是我最愛的女人，你讓我經歷了愛情裡的所有喜怒哀樂。這一生，遇見你，愛上你，失去你，悼念你，便已無憾。接下來的日子，我只想用餘生去想念你，愛自己，替你你看無數的白雲纏繞著藍天，直到我們重逢的那一天。”

失去你是什麼感覺？我反覆問自己，終於找到了答案——我像是失去了靈魂，心碎成千萬片，無法癒合。原來靈魂伴侶的意義就在於她離開後，你的靈魂也隨之消失。

每個人都有選擇，而這就是我的選擇。我將代表你的糊塗塌客刺在手腕上，這樣無論何時，我都能看見你，感覺到你的存在。不論是吃飯、刷牙、滑手機，還是寫歌，你一直在我身邊。

在這114天裡，我聽了無數讓我聯想起你的歌曲。我只想對你說：

“我希望五十年以後　你還能在我左右
和你坐在搖椅裡　感受那夕陽的溫柔
聽微風輕輕地吹　聽河水慢慢地流
再聊聊從前日子　剛談戀愛的時候
原來一輩子　它真的很遙遠
抵達一輩子的時候　你已不在身邊
美麗的故事總有個結局
我的就是失去了你
但我好想告訴你　你就是我最美的遭遇。”

In life, we take many things for granted. But if we dig a little deeper, who sets these standards?

How long does it take to move on after a relationship ends? How long is it okay to grieve the loss of a loved one? How long should one hold on to their memory? Is it true that "boys shouldn't cry" and "men must be strong"? Does the length of heartache only depend on how long the relationship lasted?

I want to apologize to anyone I've ever told, "Time will heal everything." Because now I understand — time doesn’t heal anything. Every experience leaves a permanent mark on our lives, and it never fades.

I’m sharing this personal note for a few reasons — first, to give myself a space to let it out. Secondly, to let the friends and family who care about me know the feelings I haven’t voiced. Maybe some of you will find it entertaining, and perhaps those who’ve been through similar situations will find comfort in knowing you’re not alone. Most importantly, I hope my angel in heaven receives my thoughts.

On June 8, 2024, the woman I loved most in this life — my first love — left this world forever. When I heard the news, I couldn’t believe it. I knew I couldn’t face it alone, so I called a long-time buddy to come with me to the memorial. Bro, thank you for changing your plans and postponing dinner with your family to be by my side.

For the next few days, I made the same journey after work, rain or shine, to her memorial, just to be with her on this final leg of her journey. On the day of her funeral, the rain poured down, but no amount of rain could wash away the sorrow in my heart. As I watched her casket enter the crematorium, everyone broke down.

Friends and family offered their condolences and checked in on me, saying comforting things like, "Time will heal," and "Don’t be sad for too long; she wouldn’t want you to be like this."

I know these words came from a place of kindness, but at that moment, they felt like daggers. I didn’t have the strength to argue, but I appreciate their concern and support nonetheless.

For these 114 days, I haven’t been okay. Not even a little. The hardest part has been the sadness that can’t be expressed, where you can’t even cry. I still love my job, and seeing the kids genuinely makes me happy. I still enjoy spending time with friends and family. But when I’m alone, I let my guard down and fully immerse myself in grief.

Since breaking up with my first love, I’ve had two relationships and liked a few other women. But after she passed away, I finally understood: "In this life, no one else could ever take your place in my heart. You were the love of my life, showing me all the joys and sorrows of love. To have met you, loved you, lost you, and now mourn you — I have no regrets. From now on, I’ll spend my days remembering you, loving myself, and watching the clouds in the blue sky for both of us, until we meet again."

What does it feel like to lose you? I’ve asked myself this question over and over, and I finally have the answer — it’s like losing my soul, my heart shattered into pieces that can never be mended. A soulmate’s meaning is only understood when they’re gone, and you feel like your soul left with them.

Everyone has their own way of coping, and for me, it’s this. I’ve had Woodstock, who represents you, tattooed on my wrist — a constant reminder that you're always with me. Whether I’m eating, brushing my teeth, scrolling on my phone, or writing a song, your presence lingers in every moment.

In these 114 days, I’ve listened to countless songs that remind me of you. And now, all I want to say to you is:

"I hope, 50 years later, you’ll still be by my side,

Sitting on a rocking chair, feeling the warmth of the sunset.

We’ll listen to the gentle breeze, hear the river slowly flow,

And talk about the old days, back when we first fell in love.

A lifetime really is so far away,

But by the time I’ve lived mine, you won’t be there.

Beautiful stories always have an ending,

Mine was losing you.

But I want you to know, you were my most beautiful encounter."